Desperately Seeking Employment

In my career, I've hired somewhere around 60-80 people directly.  Which translates to interviewing somewhere around 300 people, and reviewing at least 2,000 resumes (likely a lot more). 

I have found that a full 73% of all resumes can be discarded immediately: people who don't follow directions (not sending what is requested); people who are wholly unqualified; Floridians; people who are wholly over-qualified; people who send their resumes on colored paper; cut-and-paste problems ("I know I could be an asset to someplace-that-is-not-where-I-am-sending-this letter") etc.  Others are undone by their cover letters.  Too many "excited" and "eager" and "thrilled."  Or telling me how they are a perfect match for the position, when in fact they have absolutely no relevant experience. 

One cover letter I read started with "I am looking for a position in a good, Christian environment."  The agency employed two Jews, an atheist, and a woman who I generally assumed was Wiccan (but I was always too scared to ask).  I'm thinking we weren't a good, Christian environment.

If I get past the cover letter, there are resume issues that will bounce someone to the "no" pile.  An objective that states "To get the advertised-job at the hiring-place." Come to think of it, skip the objective altogether. 

[By the way, take this as BOTH my annoyed rant as well as good, practical advice on job seeking, especially if you ever plan to try to work for me.]

And no offense to barristas (of whom I have the utmost respect, and believe it's the coolest title ever for a minimum-wage clerk), but unless you are seeking a job as a coffee-server, don't put the barista job on your resume.  Same for bartending, baby-sitting, 7-11 cashier, and meteorology.  No one cares (or at least I don't).

I'm recruiting for someone at my new agency now.  Even now, after hiring so many people, I still see things that surprise me.  One resume listed a Master's degree with a 2014 expected date.  Yes, and I expect to live on the moon by 2031.  You can't list the degree until you have at least applied to be admitted to the school!  Or at least until you take and pass the GRE.

Another woman listed ELEVEN jobs in the past seven years.  She's got to be a hot mess.  One final word of advice - weed out some of those jobs and try not to list more than, say, one job per year of professional experience.  Or, better yet, keep a freaking job for more than six months.

But I am an Equal Opportunity Employer (except I try not to hire people from Florida).