But Did You Check the ENTIRE tiny slip of paper?

We got a package from FedEx! I think. A "Door Tag" was left on our door about a week ago. It had the words "Pick Up noom home" on it in big black sharpie. This confused me. Where is the noom home? And why do I need to go there to get my package?

One of the twins (can't remember which, they all look alike) looked at it and suggested it might say "Pick Up Noone home". That didn't help. We are not home at noon, no matter how you spell it.

"No, dad" said Abby (or Alex - who can tell?), "It probably says 'Pick Up No one Home."

Oh! That makes sense. But now I have to figure out where the heck my package is. And what it is, since no one (or noom) is expecting anything.

So I call FedEx. I clearly say the "Door Tag number" and FedEx Siri repeats it back. Yes, that's it! No, they have no record of this particular door tag. Then it asks for my door tag or tracking number. Besides the door tag number and illegible writing, there is little else on this tiny piece of paper. I have nothing else to offer FedEx Siri.

So I say "help". FedEx Siri then launches into the history of door tag numbers, voice-activated customer service, and talks some smack about the post office. Wrong kinda help. I press "0". FedEx Siri repeats its 5-minute "help". So I did it again. And so did FedEx Siri. The fourth time was a charm. It told me I would be connected with a customer service agent, and said that I could take part in a one question survey about my experience at the end of the call if I wanted to stay on the line. Damn straight I want to participate. And feel free to ask me two or three.

Felix from customer service came on the line. I told him my sad story and he looked up the door tag number.
  "We don't have that in our system."
 "Yes, that's what FedEx Siri told me, and I just repeated to you."
  "Do you have a tracking number?"
 "No, just the door tag number."
  "It would start with the letters TRK."
 "Oh, that helps. No, I don't have a tracking number."
  "Are you expecting a package?"
 "Apparently. Thus the sticker on my door from Fed Ex."
  "Were you sending or receiving?"
 "Based on the conversation so far, are you seriously asking me if I was sending a package?"
  "We can look it up by your address. What's your address?"

 I tell him my address. And spell it.

  "Hello? Are you still there?"
 "Oh, hell no, Felix. You are NOT playing this game on me."
  "Hello sir?"
 "Felix! Please just look up the package."

 Click.

 Well played, Felix. Well played.