Give me a G! Give me an O! Give me a D!!

Tucked into the girls' school folders yesterday was a brochure for "Upward Cheerleading." Upon looking at the fine print, it seems that Upward is "Christian cheerleading." Upward as in to the heavens, I suppose.

I'm a little intrigued about what Christian Cheerleading would entail, and more than a little bit annoyed that it was in the taxpayer-funded, public school first grade take-home folders of my six-year-olds.

So I read further, to the even finer print. Except for the application line asking for "Church attended" between "Home phone" and "E-mail," the finer print was not revealing.

So I dug down to the finest print. The following are actual, swear-to-god exerpts from the brochure:

"I further understand that my child's participation in athletic and other activities of the Program necessarily involves the risk of injury and even death from various causes, including but not limited to accidents, falls, strenuous and prolonged physical activity, dehydration, illness, collision or dispute with other participants, weather related injuries, playing area and equipment defects, and negligence of coaches and referees. On behalf of me, my child, and my family, I assume these risks."

So, it seems that Christian cheerleading is unsupervised boot camp in a thunderstorm on Chinese-built equipment, with no water to drink and frequent collisions and gang fights that could leave my children dead. Well, at least I could sue.

"In consideration of the privilege of my child's participation in the Program, and on behalf of my child and me as parent / guardian, I hereby release, discharge, hold harmless and indemnify, and covenant not to sue, the Church and Upward Unlimited, and all of the Church's and Upward Unlimited's directors, officers, elders, trustees, deacons, employees, volunteers, insurers, agents and representatives, and all other persons involved with the Program (including without limitation any other participating churches, sponsors, parents, vendors, coaches and other game and event workers, officials, drivers, and organizations) as to any and all claims of my child, me and other family members for personal injuries suffered by my child, property damage, medical expenses, and economic loss arising directly or indirectly out of my child's participation in the Program, and any first aid, medical care or treatment provided to my child in the event my child is injured or becomes ill while participating in Program activities."

Holy crap! So, they can ignore, abuse, and kill my children, and I think I'd be legally obligated to thank them and send them any spare child I may have.

"This Release of Liability shall be binding on me, my family, heirs, next of kin, legal beneficiaries, successors and assigns."

Heirs and next of kin? Is Christian cheerleading so dangerous that even I (and all my family) am in danger of imminent death?

I think we'll pass. I am in no rush for my whole family to be "upward bound."