Spam of the Month

I absolutely LOVE this one!  It is from the FBI!!  I tried to follow the logic, but got lost somewhere around the bank knowing full well they don't have the facilities and something about a secret diplomatic transit payment.  They may want to "checkmate financial recklessness," but it is heartening that they want to clear this little problem up for me so they that I can both get my stack of cash AND not be prosecuted as an international terrorist.  Carrot and stick.

My favorite spam phrase?  This one: "based on our findings, our investigative department wish to warn you against some miscreants, hoodlums and touts who go about scamming innocent people by claiming to be who they are not and thereby tarnishing the image of this wonderful country."  Totally FBI.  They have the phraseology down perfectly.  What the hell is a "tout"?  I can't fathom what they were going for here, unless it was "trout."  

The cut-and-pasted legal notice at the end is a nice touch, as is the "cc" to a dozen non-existent organizations. For the record, since I am not printing or forwarding this, I am not technically breaking the law they warn me against breaking.  So please don't rat me out to the General Intelligence Department, the International Banking Security Association, or the Supreme Court of South Africa.  Certainly, I want to avoid "FBI troubles". 

Enjoy:

  DO NOT PRINT /FORWARD THIS MAIL ITS AGAINST THE LAW

This e-mail, including any attachments, is covered by the Electronic Communications Privacy Act, 10 U.S.C. 2510-2521

ANTI-TERRORIST AND MONETARY CRIMES DIVISION

FBI HEADQUARTERS WASHINGTON DC

FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATIONS J.EDGAR HOOVER BUILDING

935 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE, NW WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535-0001

Ref: FBI/DC/25/113/13/2014

  Your attention is needed immediately

  We have been informed through our global intelligence monitoring network that the sum of $10.500, 000.00, has been released from a bank in Africa bearing your name as the beneficiary without dist certificate to clear your name and fund from every terrorist or drug or money laundering activities

We sincerely apologize for sending you this sensitive information via e-mail instead of a certified mail, phone call or a  face-to-face conversation,We will also send you a certified email later it is due to the urgency and importance of the security information needed. To checkmate financial recklessness, illegal gambling, racketeering and considering the effect of the global financial crisis rocking the United States, our government with the help of the Federal Bureau of Investigation (F.B.I) Washington, DC and the internet crime complaint center (ic3),alongside the CIA  signed an agreement with U.K  police for an immediate release of all overdue funds presently logged in their treasury and to ensure it is disbursed to the rightful beneficiaries in all parts of the world. If you the beneficiary would adhere to our instruction it will help you receive your payment  immediately

The bank knowing fully well that they do not have enough facilities to make this payment from any part of the world to your account directly, used what we know as a secret diplomatic transit payment (s.d.t.p) method to make the payment. direct transfers are difficult and secret diplomatic transit payment (s.d.t.p) are not  usually made unless the funds are  related to terrorist activities and we ask why must your payment be made in  a secret transfer if your transaction  is legitimate.

We do not want you to get into trouble as soon as these funds reflect in your personal account, so it is our duty as an international agency to correct these little problems before this fund reflects into your personal account.

we advise you to contact us immediately, as your funds have been stopped and are being held in our custody, until you are able to provide us with the dist certificate within 3 days from the country that authorized the transfer to certify that the funds that you are about to receive are terrorist/drug free or we shall have cause to impound the payment and subsequently prosecute you for cross border terrorist financial activites.

based on our findings, our investigative department wish to warn you against some miscreants, hoodlums and touts who go about scamming innocent people by claiming to be who they are not and thereby tarnishing the image of this wonderful country. By sending out fraudulent emails without our official logo and emblem we shall release your funds immediately we receive this legal document and we will ensure that you receive your payment without any further delay.

Note

We decided to contact you directly by email to acquire the proper verifications and proof from you to show that you are the rightful person to receive this fund, because of the huge amount involved. Be informed that the funds are now with a top bank in the united state in your name and under the monitoring/custody of the FBI. At the moment, we have asked the bank not to release the fund to anybody that comes to them, unless we instruct them to do so, and only if we receive the dist certificate this is to enable us carry out a comprehensive investigation first before releasing the fund to you.

hence, you are to forward your  dist certificate to us immediately if you have it in your possession, if you do not have it, then  let us know so that we will direct you  to the  appropriate  authority to  obtain the certificate then you are to send  it to our office. And thereafter, we will instruct the bank holding the funds, to go ahead and credit your account immediately. If you fail to provide the documents to this office, we will prosecute you and take appropriate action against you for not proving the legality of the funds.

Finally if you truly want to receive this funds without F.B.I troubles then reconfirm the following below

Name………………………………………………….

Address………………………………………………..

Sex………………………………………………………

Age.....................................................................

Contact number………………………………………..

Country of origin of funds……………………………..

Yours Faithfully

Stuart M. Kelly Special Agent

151 Patton Ave

Room211 Asheville N.C.28801

FOR  FBI DIRECTOR

JAMES B COMEY

cc: general intelligence department (GID)

cc federal bureau of investigation (fFBIi)

cc .internet crime complaint center (ic3)

cc: Asia pacific group on money laundering (APG)

cc: international monetary fund (IMF)

cc: international organization of securities commissions (IOSCO)

cc: international banking security association (IBSA)

cc: world customs organization (WCO)

cc: inter-American development bank (IADB)

cc: national white collar crime center (NW3C)

cc: bureau of justice assistance (BJA)

cc: supreme court of South Africa(SCA)

LEGAL NOTICE:

Unless expressly stated otherwise, this message is confidential and may be privileged. It is intended for the addressee(s) only. Access to this e-mail by anyone else is unauthorized. If you are not an addressee, any disclosure or copying of the contents or any action taken (or not taken) in reliance on it is unauthorized and may be unlawful. If you are not an addressee, please inform the sender immediately.