CSI - Fishtank

The carnage is over.  There have been no additional fish homicides in the last month.  The tank is safe again. 

[Video - four fish swimming around a large fish tank, happily frolicking amongst the fake plants and tiny castle].

Two Months Earlier...

Receptionist: "Russell, all of the fish are eating one of the goldfish!"

Me: "All of them?  Including the goldfish in question?"
"All of the fish except the goldfish are eating one of the goldfish."
"And I should...?"
"Intervene."
"I have no specific skills or training in fish violence intervention.  I can build them a budget, write a grant for a new program to help them to learn other, more productive ways to interact..."
Other staff person "The goldfish is dead."
"And I should...?"
"Remove him."
"It's a him?  And why me?"
"Because you are the Executive Director."
"OK.  If you had said because I am the guy, I would have said no."

So I removed dead Goldfish (aka Goldie, aka Goldfish #1).  My Director of Finance and Operations buried him in our garden. Because, well, I'm not sure why she buried him.  Or that it was a him.

Then the speculation began.  Who killed Goldie?  Was he dead before the fish starting eating him, or did the eating kill him?  [there was a pretty large chunk missing by the time I "fished" him out].

As Executive Director, my job is fairly comprehensive.  The "other duties as assigned" covers a wide swath of responsibilities.  I oversee the mission, plan the services, write and monitor the budgets, raise the funds, lead the staff, remove the dead goldfish, update the website, fix small things that are broken, work with the board, make the beeping from the Solidyne Micromizer III stop, collaborate with other agencies, and many other things.

Part of my job (as I see it), is to help people enjoy being at work.  So, while I did not have the background or authority to engage in an actual investigation of Goldie's death, I certainly had the skillset (and apparently the time), to develop an elaborate conspiracy theory around Goldie's death.

First, an anonymous, poorly spelled note found it's way to the front desk, telling us that we should take a long, hard look at Goldfish #2.  And check her (I think it's a her) google searches.

Next, a print-out of the google searches from the fishtank was found (someone must have printed it and left it at the front).  Searches for things like "how to kill a goldfish," "do fish taste like fish," "how to get faster Wi-Fi in a fish tank," and "what is a Kardasian."

A few days later, this arrived at the office:

Last Gill and Testament

I, Goldfish #1 (aka Goldie), being of sound fin and tiny mind, do hereby attest this as my last Gill and Testament.

In the case of my demise, all of my waterly possessions should go to Goldfish #2.  She (or he – never was sure about that), gets my:

1.     Timeshare stake in the castle

2.     Four hundred and seventy-six pebbles from the bottom of the tank that are mine (engraved with a tiny “Goldie")

3.     The white rock with a hole in it (the sucker fish may claim that, but it’s mine.  I have a receipt somewhere).

4.     My thirty-five gold bricks, in safe deposit box #8819 at Aquatic International Credit Union on Duval, most recently appraised at $524,926.06.

Should Goldfish #2 pre-decease me, all of my possessions should be sold and the proceeds given to the Benevolent Society for the Protection of Fishtank Occupants (BSPFO), chapter #44 (central and southeast Texas).

None of my estate should be utilized to benefit in any way that parasitic sucker fish, who wishes ill of me.  In fact, should I meet an untimely demise, please investigate the sucker fish, as I am sure you will find the culprit.

Signed and attested to this 4^th day of June, 2015.

A second suspect had emerged.  The original fish family had two goldfish, two striped fish, and two sucker fish.  With one dead goldfish, there really are only five clear suspects.

Six Weeks Ago...

The suspect list dropped to four.

Receptionist: "One of the sucker fish is dead."
Me: "And I should...?"
"Remove him."
"How do you know the gender of the fish?  And why me?"
"Because you removed the last one.  You are the only one here with experience removing dead fish."

Fair enough.  So I removed the dead sucker fish.  And realized that this went way beyond a funny, made-up fish conspiracy.  We had a real fish murderer!!

Fearing for the safety of the other fish, we brought in help.  This showed up on the staff bulletin board:

Goldfish Helpline

If you or a loved one, or a loved fish, is experiencing abuse, know that you are not alone.  Nor is your loved one.  Nor your loved fish.  There is help.  Call and talk to our experienced fish counselors before it’s too late. 

When you no longer believe “I’ve just been out swimming,” or “I’m nibbling at you because I love you,” call our hotline and get the help you need. 

Call us now.  Our fish counselors will lend a gill.

1-800 – GOLDFISH

We also called our fish people.  Named that way because they are the contractors who take care of our fish, not because they are actually fish people.  They came out to do their own investigation. 

Apparently, the air pump was broken.  The fish were slowly suffocating, and were eating each other because... I never did get the why lack of oxygen made them eat each other, but suffice it to say this revelation changed our views of intent and culpability.

So, the investigation, and the fake conspiracy were finished.  All that was left was to ensure the public knew the threat had passed.  This short article appeared in the Statesman:
 

September 30, 2015

Austin, Texas

 

The Austin Police Department, Division of Aquatic Domestic Crimes and Yard Art Larceny, announced today that it was suspending the investigation into the death of “Goldie” the Goldfish and subsequent death of Sucker Fish #2 at the Austin Children’s Guidance Center. 

In August, “Goldie” was found dead and half-eaten in his domicile.  Sergeant Gorton of Aquatic Domestic Crimes stated at the time: “it looks, well, it looks fishy.  No way around that.”  Evidence at the time was collected by the staff of the Children’s Center, and included anonymous tips, suspicious google searches, and a “if you are reading this, I am already sleeping with the fishes” note, purportedly from Goldy.

 

Affy Falky, of the Guiding Center, was quoted as saying “it was one of the zebra fish.  The one with the suspicious eyes.  I know he killed Goldy!” A week later, Sucker Fish #2 was found dead and half eaten.  “See!!!! I told you!!!!” remarked Falky.

Police detained and interrogated “Goldfish #2” and “Zebra Fish #1.”  “Zebra Fish #2” had an alibi, and Sucker Fish #1 was ruled out as a suspect, because he sucks. 

 

Hours before a press conference was to be held, answering questions about the two murders, the fish tank guy inspected ACGC’s fish tank and saw that the pump was not working.  “The fish aren’t getting any oxygen, which will make them kill and eat each other,” commented the fish tank guy.

At the press conference, Sgt. Gorton announced the suspension of the investigation.  “Still looks, well, fishy to me.  I must find a different expression.  But we would have trouble with any prosecution.  A good lawyer could get the fish off on ‘not guilty by reason of can’t breathe’.”

Falky, of the Children’s Museum, stated “I’m keeping my eye on that Zebra Fish.  He is trouble.”

Now that the crisis has passed, I can get back to the mission, budget, board, and fixing small things parts of my job.