Six Annoyed People

I decided against the insanity (or fornicator) excuse and went into jury duty. Justice of the Peace Court. The kind of court that handles car repair disputes and annoying neighbor complaints. And apparently Class C Misdemeanor criminal cases.

I was on a "panel" of nineteen citizens from which six would be selected during voir dire (look it up). The county attorney and her assistant had studied our profiles and memorized our names. They asked pointed questions to each of us by name. The defense attorney, who was in fact an idiot, asked questions, well, I think he literally pulled them directly from his ass.

After a 90 minute process, I was among the six selected for this very serious civic task.

Now, at this point I must clarify the scope and severity of "Class C misdemeanor." The defendant was contesting his public intoxication arrest. The range of possible outcomes ranged from innocent to guilty, with guilty meaning a fine in the range of $1 - $500. Yes, six of us (not including the dismissed 13 who lost their morning), plus a judge, bailiff, court clerk, defendant, three attorneys and three witnesses, would spend an entire day deciding on whether this individual would have to pay $500.

Of course, I took my obligation very seriously. It was hard not too. The attorneys and judge treated this as just shy of a Dateline case. We had witnesses, a jailhouse video, allegations of law enforcement abuse, and testimony of the defendant wetting himself (strongly refuted by the defense).

"Officer X, did you smell urine?" Idiot Defense Attorney.
Officer X: "No, I saw an oval wet spot in the groin area. I had no intention of touching it and / or sniffing it."

Allegedly drunk defendant (ADD) was being groped by a girl he had just met in a line to get into a bar. ADD didn't know her name and had a half-consumed beer in his front pocket. Which Idiot Defense Attorney spent 10 minutes cross-examining the police officers to prove the "urine" stain could have been beer, since they did not do enough policework (like sticking their face in his crotch to smell).

ADD would have still been OK if he hadn't, when pulled out of the line, told said crotch-avoiding police officer, to "go fuck yourself." Hey, it's in the transcripts!

The man talked himself into getting arrested. He then spent the next twenty minutes (as they were arresting, transporting, and booking him) screaming out to everyone to "Call 911! Call 911!!!" Yes, you have a picture of this guy in your head too, don't you?

Of course, the burden of proof is on the state. They have to prove he was 1) intoxicated. Random girl with hands down his pants, sneaking a beer from one bar to another, admitted to having at least four beers (meaning probably at least six), hollering for people to call the police while he was being arrested BY the police? Check. They have to prove he was 2) in public. Line outside bar with hundreds around, including bouncers, police officers, and fire marshall? Check. And they have to prove the final element of 3) may be a danger to self or others.

Herein was the problem. His hands down random girl's pants instead of vice versa? A case could be made. Walking toward his car with keys out? Sure. But getting felt up and then being a jerk when hassled? It's hard to justify getting yourself arrested by being belligerent as being a "danger to self."

So when we got to the jury room we were deadlocked. We all agreed the lawyers were idiots. Then we all agreed this guy was an idiot. At least half of the jury felt that getting arrested for being a jerk to a cop was a sign of the civil liberties we are all losing.

But in the end, drunk and stupid wins as "public intoxication." We read our verdict and our punishment. Guilty, with a $1 fine. A day that cost the fine citizens of Travis County $8,934.18.