Journey to the North Kohl's

Yesterday, we took a girl-scouts-and-their-families trip on a train that was supposed to be like the Polar Express. Cool idea in theory.

It was a two hour magical journey, heading due north for an hour, than back south an hour. Austin has seen a bit of sprawl in the last few decades, so the first 45 minutes and the last 45 minutes were through the magical land of 'Stripmallia.'

"Look kids, Home Depot. Target. Johnny Carino's. Lowe's. Bed, Bath & Beyond. Super Target. Walgreens. Chile's. Crate & Barrel. CVS. Applebees. Starbucks. La Quinta. Mega Target. Home Depot. Starbucks. A tree."

The train didn't quite make it all the way to the North Pole, but did get up to Liberty Hill and a place called "Hobo Junction." Where Santa drinks whiskey, flirts with women named Lorlene, and gets in bar fights.

On the train, there were scattered holiday activities. Mrs. Claus came through and gave the girls cookies. A conductor came through and gave everyone hot chocolate. And then Santa came through and gave all of the children presents.

Turns out the presents consisted of a train whistle with the name and website of the train company on it. When you add this all up - a train car-load of seven-year-olds, multiple rounds of sugary treats, an hour and a half of sitting in one place, and free train whistles, and, well, you can imagine what that equation equals.

Fortunately, Santa passed out his marketing give-aways a full THIRTY MINUTES before we got back to the station. The doctor tells me the ringing may eventually subside, but I've likely lost 11.3% of my hearing permanently, including my entire ability to hear woodwinds.

Santa passed through the car again a few minutes before we arrived back to the station. I said under my breath, "thanks a lot, Santa." Santa stopped, looked at me, leaned in, and said in a Santa voice only I could hear (even with my new hearing loss), "take credit for that, asshole!"

Geez, Santa's been hanging out with the Tooth Fairy.