Downturn Shmownturn

We may be hurting here in America, but apparently there's a lot of money all over the world that is just looking for a home. And a great number of people who want to send it directly to me!

My e-mail good news from the last 9 days (from February 1 - present) include:

* 44,400,000 Euros from Russia (from the chairman of Yukos oil)
* $38.5 million (further spelled out as "Twenty Eight Million, Five Hundred Thousand United State of American Dollars) from the Ivory Coast (something about a rebel attack)
* $5.7 million from New Zealand (Mrs. Margrate Morrison is dying of lung and brain cancer)
* A "Huge Fund" from Engineer Jeff Joe who wants to invest in my country ("business interest in the following sectors: Banking, Real Estate, Stock speculation, Film Industries, Mining, Transportation and Tobacco")
* $2.5 million from a winning e-mail lottery
* $45 million from Ivory Coast ("Gold Lifting Rights and lucrative Gold Contracts")
* $14.3 from Barrister Edward Okeke, Esq. because I share the surname of his late client who had no heirs
* 48.5 million British pounds from Mr. Kadeem Hardison (who found it in a dormant account)
* $14.5 million from Pastor Jack Dorso (to be given to "some churches and christains who have shown their zeal and will for the propagation of the Gospel").
* 1.5 million Euros (another internet lottery - from Spain)
* 500,000 Euros (yet another internet lottery)
* 7,467,000 Euros (something to do with September 11th, a BMW, another discovered account, and a missing body)
* $9,500 from an unclaimed account at the World Bank London
* $13,700,000 from Cambodia ("the course of awarding contracts for the prefabrication/ refurbishment of assets bequeathed to the organization for a kick off of the exploration of the nations oil, a project financed by the Japan Special Fund under the auspices of Asian Development Bank Technical Assistance(ADB-TA) )"
* 2,700,000 British pounds (a fourth lottery winner); AND
* 25,000 metric tons of sugar from South Africa

Several thoughts here. First, what are the odds that I would win four internet lotteries in the span of nine days? How cool is that!

Second, I really wish all my offers and winnings would be converted to one specific currency, as I am having trouble adding it all up. I think I can convert dollars to Euros, but how in the hell do you convert sugar to pounds?

Third, why would the World Bank of London send me such a measly, pitiful offer? I deal in millions.

Fourth, I think the one about having the same surname is a scam. Please! There are SO many Smiths out there. How stupid does Barrister Okeke think I am? And I'm also wary of the cash from Pastor Dorso. I'm not the best Christian, and I have not been that successful at spreading the gospel. Especially since I'm Jewish.

Fifth, if there are this many dormant accounts out there in my name with lawyers, barristers, and government officials looking for ways to move the cash to America, I bet there are enough of these accounts for all Americans. Recession OVER!

Sixth, wasn't Kadeem Hardison a professional basketball player? I wonder how he got to be a lawyer in Great Britain?

And finally, 25,000 metric tons of sugar? What the hell?