Do NOT Hire me for your campaign

In my second attempt as a campaign manager, my candidate came in a respectable 2nd.

My first attempt, of course, was the no-budget "Sid Smith for Congress", which produced a short movie (now making the rounds of film festivals) and a third (out of four) place finish in the Democratic primaries. My lasting legacy from that was the slogan, "At 95, Who Needs Term Limits"?


For my latest campaign, I managed the campaign of "Cucumber" for "Vegetable of the Year." After a hard-fought primary and election season, Cucumber placed 2nd with 25% of the vote to Tomato (with 29%). Cucumber did beat Carrot, Eggplant, Squash, and Okra.

What in bleep are you talking about? (one might ask)

Well, my agency has a farm where youth learn organic farming and donate what they grow to hunger relief. This past Saturday, we had our 2nd Annual "Summer Farm Fest." We have fun games, tours, tomato and pepper tastings, kid activities, and the "Vegetable Vote 2009." Last year, our fundraising activity at the Farm Fest was entitled "Adopt a Van Part." For a price, people could adopt different parts of a van we needed to buy: $20 for a tire, $50 for a door, $500 for an A/C system, $10,000 for the hood ornament (we would build it to your likeness). It was clever, fun, and it raised about $1,000.

Since someone donated an almost new van to us in December, we needed to think of something new for this year. Thus the vegetable vote. We selected five finalists from produce grown on the farm: tomato, carrot, cucumber, squash, and eggplant. We chose five Campaign Managers and went to work making signs, buttons, and other election paraphernalia. A grass-roots write-in campaign for Okra sprung up, with the fantastic slogan "Okramanos!"

I enlisted Abby & Alexis to help me make signs, with such slogans as "Who Ever Heard of Cool as a TOMATO?"; "Who Carrots? Cucumber Does!"; "I am Cucumber, and I approve this salad"; and "Cucumber - the Green Candidate."

The girls really got into it, and I might add, went negative almost immediately. Several signs with the words tomato, eggplant, carrot and squash written with a great big circle and red line through them. To which I added: "Eggplant? Really?? Eggplant?" and "Okra Sucks."

Note that, should you ever find yourself making posters in support of cucumbers, there's really no way to include a picture without it looking like a penis.

The idea was that we would get people to vote, and then ask them for a campaign contribution for their favorite vegetable. They would get a button, recipe, packet of seeds, and a campaign disclosure form:

Vegetable Election Required Verification (VERV) Form

The undersigned campaign donor herein and wherewith (and herewith) acknowledges the campaign contribution of $_______ to the election campaign of ____________________ for vegetable of the year.

The donor really really swears that no good or service was offered in exchange for this contribution, and that said donor has no fiduciary, pecuniary, or culinary relationship to the candidate vegetable in question.

Federal vegetable election law (The National Vegetable, Fruit and Legume Act of 2005) stipulates that no single contribution to a vegetable election can exceed $2,500, nor can any bundled contributions be larger than a bushel.

Donor stipulates that the campaign contribution is to be used solely for the election campaign of supported vegetable (or for the operation of Urban Roots), and could include the production of vegetable PSA’s, flyers, get-out-the-veggie activities, and other expenses directly related to voting on vegetables (or for the operation of Urban Roots).

Vegetable candidates are required to publish quarterly disclosure reports, listing donors, donation amounts, nutritional content, and suggested beverage pairings. For a pdf of current vegetable disclosure reports, visit http://www.greenbacks-for-greens.gov.

Donation received by:


______________________________
Associate Deputy Undersecretary
For the Elections of Vegetables, Flowers,
Tree Nuts, and Lawn Art


We all got into it and had a blast with the election. Which is great because it really didn't raise any money ($166). Apparently, people feel they shouldn't have to pay to vote. Since when??



But we did get many votes, and none of the other veggies were able to catch the favorite. Tomato did have one of the better slogans: "I'm bringing saucy back!"

Exit polling shows that taste and versatility had a major impact in voting, with negative campaigning and nutritional content lower on the list. Voters listed their expectations of elected vegetables as "Reach across the aisle to fruit", "Raise the profile of all vegetables", and "Health Care Reform." Interestingly, more voters identified themselves as Beanocrats than as Rhubarbicans.

And yes, for this particular event, we in fact did have too much time on our hands.