What Up, Dogs?

The girls' school has started a new program to get dads more involved with the school.  The interesting thing is that dads are already immensely involved at the school - tutoring, volunteering, working in the office - the place is lousy with dads.

But one dad realized that we didn't have the "DOGS" program at Laurel Mountain.  He called a meeting and told us all about "DOGS.  Apparently, "DOGS is "Dads Ostracize Gay Students."

OK, not really. It's "Dads of great students."  And it was created after Columbine to get more dads roaming the halls in schools to make them safer.  Interesting idea in theory.  But our school is brimming with dad involvement, not to mention light on troubled trenchcoat-wearing students.  Three hundred dads came to the DOGS meeting, where they told us we were going to have this program and dads were going to come to the school, and they would figure out what the dads would be doing later.  One thing they were clear about is that the dads could greet and high-five the students as they come to school.  Thus fulfilling my lifelong dream of becoming a Wal-Mart greeter.

So I signed up for the DOGS yahoo group and immediately was flooded with hardcore porn spam and offers for very cheap viagara.  Which seem related to each other but unrelated to the DOGS group. 

Adding up the lack of clear direction, preponderance of porn, and sketchy need for additional dads in the hallways, I dropped from the group and moved on with my life. 

But the other night the girls were talking about how James' dad did a DOGS shift and wanted to know when I was coming up to the school.

"Um...what did he do?"
"He was in the hallway."
"Doing what?"
"I don't know. I think he was helping."
"Helping with what?"
"He helped in the cafeteria."
"What did he do?"
"He helped kids open things."
"So...he was like a lunch lady?"
"Daddy!"
"OK, a lunch dude?"
"Yes."
"Did he get to wear a weapon?"

This was the critical make-or-break question for me.  I think I could be a Wal-Mart greeter / Lunch Dude / Hallway Lurker, but only if I was packing heat.

Alas, though, DOGS are only armed with a can-do smile and a winning attitude.  I decided I will continue to pass.  But thanks for the porn!