Persistent Bastardo

We almost never use our home phone. Like many, we use generally our cellphones but we have kept the home line just in case...well, I'm not really sure anymore. Some family members call on it, but when it rings it is generally a telemarketer. "Unknown name" at "unknown number."

A couple of nights ago, unknown name called us. I answered as I sometimes do:

"Bueno!"

"Yes, Mr. Smith, this is Charlie from Microsoft." [Charlie had a strong Indian accent.]

"Hola! Quien es esto?" 

"Mr. Smith, this is Charlie from Microsoft."

"Mas vale pajaro en mano que cien volando." [now, at this point, you may have noticed that I don't actually know Spanish. I learned several phrases in high school Spanish that I can repeat. The sentence above translates to "A bird in the hand is worth 100 flying." The previous question is likely gibberish.]

"Do you speak English?"

"Aunque la mona se vista en seda, mona se queda." ["although the monkey dresses in silk, it remains a monkey"]. 

"Sir, you need to speak English. This is Charlie from Microsoft."

"En boca cerrado, no entran mosques." ["in a closed mouth, flies do not enter."] At this point, Jill (who had been listening), corrected me: "it's mosquas." So I added: "Lo siento, mosquas." ["sorry, flies"] 

"Sir, I don't understand what you are saying." [Charlie's getting a little louder and slower here]

"Feliz navidad?" [Merry Christmas?] 

"Sir, you Must. Speak. English." [louder still, as if talking to a foreignor who doesn't understand you]

So, at this point, I'd pretty much run out of my nifty Spanish phrases, so I switched to Hebrew. I took several years of Hebrew before my Bar Mitzvah, and memorized some prayers. I have no idea what any of it means.

"V'ahavta adonai elohenu." [something god something else]. 

"YOU. MUST. SPEAK. ENGLISH."

"Uv'chal nofsheha. Uv'chal m'odecha." [no idea]

"YOU. MUST. SPEAK. ENGLISH!!!"

"Ein danke schlitterbahn shnitzel." [I switched to my fake German, this is roughly translated as "thank you for the sausage at Schlitterbahn."]

Charlie hung up on me. Good thing, too, because my fake German only takes me so far.  My next language would have been pig latin:

"Arlie-cha um-fray icrosoft-may?"