Ruby, Don't Take Your Love to the Moon

Last week, Ruby and I crossed the 10,000 mile mark.  Who is Ruby, you ask?  She is my red, Fuji Roubaix road bike.

 

 

 

I got Ruby three summers ago and have been riding ever since.  And of course, collecting and analyzing data.  Which is how I know Ruby and I have gone over 10,000 miles (approximately 10,139 as of Sunday).  Which is enough miles to ride to the North Pole and back (with a few miles to spare.  Or to the South Pole (but not all the way back).  Or to Amsterdam and back.  Or one way to Sydney, Australia (with a couple thousand miles to spare).  Of course, that one would be hard because of all the water (unlike the other plausible trips).

 

And if you are wondering if 10,000 miles could get me to the moon (I was, until I looked it up and then felt stupid) - no, I could not get anywhere close to the moon on a bicycle.  That trip would be around 252,000 miles and basically straight up.  There would be problems with breathing, gravity, lack of roads, etc.  And I'm not even going to get into the moon's rotation around the earth - I could get 252,000 up and realize I should have gone down.  And even if I could work all those out minor problems, at 10,000 miles every three years, it would take me until 2087 (March 3rd) to get to the moon and another 75 years or so to get home.  So - silly question. 

 

The picture above is of Ruby at the Bridge of Doom (dramatic music).  This was the wooden bridge where I had my one wipeout a couple of years ago.  I wrote about it in my blog, but long story a-little-less-long (that's all I can promise): wet bridge; sad lost dog (passed heading north); sad wet dog (still there heading south); noticed sad wet dog had tags; realized I had a cellphone and could call sad wet dog's owner; did not conceptualize repercussions of hard stop on wet, wooden bridge; tried to "brake" on wet bridge, ending in what can more accurately be called "slide" (crash would also be acceptable here). 

 

I have long since made my peace with the Bridge of Doom.  I am a smarter rider, and I realized it wasn't the bridge's fault.  Until I looked at this picture (DRAMATIC MUSIC - something like "BUM BUM Bummmmmmmmmm!!!)

 

Note the missing pet flyer.  This bridge is luring cyclists to their doom!  Or at least luring them to have minor accidents that cause scrapes and bruises! 

 

But Russell, you say, "couldn't this be a coincidence?  And not even really a coincidence, because you are conflating an actual wet, lost dog with a picture of a missing cat?" 

 

Dumb question, but thanks for asking.  The bridge obviously has many tactics to lure riders to their certain scraping and bruising.  The common thread is the missing / lost pet. 

 

I know that you still have your doubts.  I anticipated this, so I scrutinized the picture, enlarging it till I could see the phone number.  And I called that number. You know who answered?  Fox News.

 

The bridge, and by definition Snowball the missing cat (and un-named sad, wet dog), is pure evil.