First, my ankle started clicking. Certainly, assorted body parts have clicked, groaned, growled, and protested over the years, but always on an episodic basis. Yes, I make involuntary noises getting out of chairs, and if I'm honest, recently getting into them as well. I fooled myself that I was simulating old man noises for awhile, until I tried consciously to not make old man noises. That's when I knew it was not a fun, ironic, look-at-me-pretending-to-be-an-old-man thing and was an actual thing.
About a week ago, I realized my ankle was clicking every step I take. It's possible it has been doing this longer, but my hearing isn't quite what it used to be.
I've stretched, cycled, jumped, rested, and rested some more, but the clicking won't go away. I'm like an old guy metronome.
I told Jill about the clicking and she asked one diagnostic question: "Does it hurt?"
"Well, no. But it's clicking."
"Then don't worry about it."
Has she even met me? Of course I am going to worry about it. To the Inter-Web!
I checked various ankle clicking sites. After a few false starts (who knew there was ankle clicking porn?), I found a few reputable looking pages. The first one told me that clicking can happen either after an ankle injury or sometimes without an ankle injury. So basically - if you have ankles, this could happen to you. It said that if it is not accompanied by pain, you shouldn't worry about it. Fake medical news!
The second site was run by a doctor who had years of experience treating ankle, foot, arch, and big toe problems. His page was in the form of a Q&A.
"I sprained my ankle last month, and now it is clicking. What should I do?"
"You should go to a board certified ankle, foot, arch and big toe doctor and have it x-rayed and examined. It might be nothing, but it's probably a serious, debilitating ankle atrophy."
"My ankle is clicking, but it doesn't hurt. Should I get it checked out?"
"You don't have to, unless you want to keep being able to walk and are fine with being a burden on your family who will have to carry you wherever you need to go because you were too scared to go see a board certified ankle, foot, arch and big toe doctor."
"Doctor, why do you answer all questions with the need to go see a doctor, especially one with your exact credentials?"
"Great question. Foot, arch, ankle and/or big toe problems are the root cause of 93.2% of all physical problems, and a surprising 68.1% of all mental disorders as well. Simply by asking your question with a very obvious answer, I wonder about your mental state, and would recommend you see a board certified ankle, foot, arch and big toe doctor immediately. If not sooner."
My second fun aging milestone came in the mail. I am just now realizing that you can mark the phases of your life by the junk mail that finds you.
In my 20's, I would get invitations for free, one-month gym memberships, flyers about 2-for-1 happy hours (it was a different time), and credit card applications. Lots of credit card applications.
In my 30's, my junk mail theme was pre-schools, furniture sales, and eventually realtor listings.
Through my 40's, the junk mail became about travel opportunities and investments, as well as credit counseling and alcohol treatment programs to address the problems accumulated from my 20's junk mail.
But now I'm in my 50's. And this came in the mail:
I can't even imagine what to expect in my 60's.
And the ironic thing is that I've already pre-planned. I am putting my funeral on the Discover Card I got in 1992. Think of the cash back!
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