Re-Routed Through Mumbai

Jill, the twins and I just spent a lovely three and a half days with my brother, his family, my mom and Tom in Los Gatos, California (which Jill assures me does not mean "Red Stick" in Spanish). We spent a lovely one and a half days with our luggage.

We flew United through Denver. We had a very tight, two and a half hour layover, so the bags didn't quite make it onto the plane for San Jose (yes, they did not know the way...). The United dude in San Jose told us that there are miles of belts that run through Denver, and often the bags run astray. He said that perhaps the tag was facing down (on both bags). To me, this explanation would lead to the conclusion that roughly 1/4 of all bags could go astray (unless you were smart and had pentagonal, hexagonal, or even octagonal bags - lowering your odds of bag astray-ness).

Fine. I'm on vacation. I will be zen. He said that there was one final flight that night, that the bags had turned up, and that they would be on the flight that evening. United would bring them to us bright and early on Friday. We could call that night to check, but not to worry.

We called that night. The automated system did not recognize my voice ("I'm sorry, I did not understand what you said. Please repeat your claim number. I'm sorry, I'm not finding any bags with that claim number. Please repeat. I'm sorry, I am not finding any bags with the claim number 'bite me.' Please repeat. I'm sorry, I am not finding any bags with the claim number...'aaarga you suck dodammit.' Transferring you to the next available agent. The average wait time is.....15 minutes."

Forty three minutes later, a gentleman with a strong Indian accent answered the phone and told me "I deeply regret that your bag has been misplaced and we at United will do everything we can to correct this problem." Followed with, "can I have your name and claim number?" So, this guy was deeply apologetic without any idea who he was talking to. Not a good start. His script starts with instructions to grovel.

I tell him my name and "airport of loss."

"San Jose? Can you spell that for me?"
"S-A-N J-O-S-E."
"And where is San Jose?"
"California."
"Is that a state?"

(I am not making this up)

I confirm with him, that indeed, California is a state. He finds San Jose.

Still, I'm zen. I confirm every single piece of information about the claim. Yes, that's my address. Yes, that's my phone number. Yes, that's my flight #. Yes, that's the description of the bag. Yes, that's my mother's maiden name. Yes, that's my preferred beverage. Yes, that's my favorite Hall & Oates song.

"Thank you Mr. Smith. I'm showing that your bags will be re-routed to Denver in the morning."
"I'm sorry. Re-routed TO Denver?"
"Yes, Mr. Smith. Re-routed to Denver."
"Where are they now?"
"They were re-routed to Philadelphia."
"I understand that you have a sketchy knowledge of American states and their locations, but Philadelphia would seem to be a few thousand miles in the completely wrong direction."
"Please to be on hold."

A few minutes pass.

"Mr. Smith, I show that your bags will be re-routed to Denver."
"Yes, we've established that. Can you tell me why they were sent to Philadelphia?"
"Please to be on hold."

A few more minutes pass.

"Mr. Smith, I show that your bags were re-routed to Philadelphia and will be re-routed to Denver in the morning."

My zen is slipping away.

"Yes. Clearly. Bags coming to Denver tomorrow. Got that part. What I'm not clear about is a) how they got to Philadelphia, b) how they are going to get to San Jose, and c) why I should have any confidence that you or anyone at United is competent enough to reunite me with my underwear."

(I was a little angry at this point, and in hindsight, I do see that the last comment could be taken as weird and creepy).

"Please to be on hold."

I don't want to be an angry person. It's not this guy's fault that United lost my bag, found it, sent it on vacation, outsourced their customer service, and provided them with no meaningful information. I hung up.

We went and bought some new clothes. My bags arrived the next night. One had a broken zipper. The other looked like it had a hangover. They had a lovely time touring the coasts. We had a lovely time in California. Which is a state. And now I have new underwear.