One thing about using AT&T I never could stomach, all the damn vampires.

Our home phone keeps going out. Each time, we call AT&T and they ask a bunch of automated questions.

The first time it went out, I called the AT&T helpline. The first twelve questions get me to the repair area.

"Is your phone not making or receiving calls?"
Beep (that's a "1" for yes)
"Are you calling from that phone?"
2 (no. In fact my phone doesn't make or receive calls)
"Can you dial out?"
2 (no)
"Can you receive calls?"
2 (no, and could you please please please ask me again!)
"Have you checked to make sure there are no phones off the hook?"
3 (the 'bite me, I'm not an idiot'option)

After seventeen more questions, including another three questions about receiving or making calls (which remind me of the psychological tests that ask the same question twelve ways to see if you are crazy), the moment of truth arrives.

Automatron (I've named him by now) tells me that the problem could be in my equipment, in my wiring, or in their equipment or wiring. Thanks for the specificity Automatron! The A-Man tells me that they can send out a repairman, but if the problem is inside the house, they will have to charge me.

A: "Do you want me to send a repairman?"
Me: "Why yes, Automatron, that would be lovely (or "1")."
A: "Are you sure?"
Me: "Are we entering launch codes for the nukes? Yes, please send someone (again "1")."

To their credit, a real person showed up a few hours later. I opened the door and he told me that he would check the outside wiring, but if he had to come in the house, he would have to charge me.

"Understood."

Fifteen minutes later and he had the problem fixed. It was outside wiring. He wished me a nice day and turned to go back to his truck. Then he stopped and turned around.

"As long as I'm here, we should check to see if your line is working inside."

He starts heading toward the open front door.

Not so fast, phone boy! You break the plane of the door and we get a bill. I ran and got the phone and assured him it worked.

It worked for ten days. Then it didn't.

I called Automatron again. The A-Hole takes me through the same spiel.

A few hours later, a different repairman dropped by. He explained to me that if the problem was inside the house, he would have to charge me.

"Yes, that sounds vaguely familiar."

Fifteen minutes later and he tells me that the problem was in the box by the street and he would fix it. He assured me that the problem was not inside the house.

By now, I am so worried about these people coming into my house, I believe I might physically try to prevent him from entering. It's as if when you invite them into your house, their evil powers are shielded from view. I don't really know what happens when and if the AT&T people get into your house, but after this, I sure as hell am not going to find out.