A Full Dose of Atonement

G-G-Pa wanted to go to Yom Kippur services yesterday and needed someone to take him.  After some thought, I volunteered. 

I just didn't think that "Gee Grandpa, I'd love to take you to synagogue for perhaps your last chance for atonement and to possibly be 'written into the book of life' for one more year, but the new Amazing Race starts tonight and I don't want to miss it" sounded like a valid excuse.  Plus, there is TiVo.

So, I suited up and picked him up at seven.  On the way over, he seemed to be in a grumpy mood.

"G-Pa, you seem to be in a grumpy mood."
"Yes, going to services always does that to me."
"Um...I thought you wanted to go."
"I thought we were doing this because you wanted to go."

Realizing that at almost 99-years-old, his memory is likely a fungible quantity, I let that go.  I had brief thoughts of taking him out for a beer instead, but thought that his memory would likely change back, and it would be difficult to explain to the family why I took him to a bar when he clearly wanted to go to church.

We got there at 7:15 and waited (kickoff wasn't until 8).  G-Pa started accosting the people around us.


"What's YOUR name!"
"Adam Silverstein."
"Where's your wife Eve!"
"Um...I'm not married."

I watched as he scanned the area around us, looking for someone else to engage.  Just as he was going in, I'd re-direct him.

"Look Grandpa, they painted the walls.  Don't you like the new color?"

It worked well enough to get us to 8, a very long 45 minutes.

Services started with some announcements, then a cellist was preparing to play.  Then, from the balcony, a loud voice yelled out "Satan is taking me away!"

Now, I've been a Unitarian for a few years, but it hasn't been that long since I went to High Holiday services at Temple Beth Israel.  I don't remember services including one of those plays you hear on Easter at the Episcopal Church.  Just when I was thinking that this might actually be interesting, the voice yelled out "There is only one true Messiah!"

I looked up, and two young men were being escorted out by the Sheriff's Deputies who were there to direct traffic.  I can only assume one of them was Satan.

Only then did it dawn on me that it wasn't part of the service, just two jackasses who thought it would be a good idea to heckle the Jews during the most important holiday of the year.  How wonderful.  I had a fleeting wish that the vengeful Old Testament God would strike them down with lightning right outside the Temple.  Then I atoned for that thought, wiping it clean for the year.  It's actually very useful to sin during Yom Kippur services!

The rest of the services were uneventful, and enormously slow.  We would read a prayer in Hebrew, then in English, then sing it in Hebrew.  The service takes up about 20 pages in the prayerbook, but lasted a full 2 1/2 hours.  Both Grandpa and I were ready for the end about 90 minutes in.  I know I was, and I could tell he was when during the Rabbi's sermon he whispered very loudly to me:


"Boy, we sure are getting the full treatment tonight!"
"Grandpa!  Use your inside church voice.  Better yet, don't use your voice at all."

I guess he whispers at a volume that he could hear if he was the listener.  I got two more "We sure are getting the full treatment tonight" during a responsive reading and during a silent meditation.

But all good things come to an end.  At 10:30, the services ended, and we headed to our car.  A nice young deputy held the side door open for us so I could guide Grandpa out.  I was appreciative of the help, and let him know it.

"Thank you, Satan!"