What About Your Hippopotamus Oath?

My doctor quit me.  He didn't even have the decency to break up with me on his own.

I turned 50 some months ago.  I have been putting off going and getting a physical, because I know what starts happening right about the age of 50 when you go to the doctor.  Not to get too graphic, but it involves a finger.  And my butt. 

Yes, "they" suggest you go get a physical when you are 50.  I have 12 whole months!  But realizing it's now closer to four months, I called my doctor (Dr. James Hahn - name certainly not changed to protect anyone) to make an appointment.

His automated system answered.  I pressed "2" for English.  I pressed "2" to confirm I pressed "2."  I spoke "appointment."  I pressed "3" for Dr. Hahn. I pressed "2" for "no".  I pressed "3" for "occasionally."  I pressed "1" to confirm I pressed "3." I pressed "8" for teal (though it's closer to royal blue, which wasn't an option). I pressed "6" for appointments.  Finally, I get to the appointment desk.

"Yes, I'd like to make an appointment with Dr. Hahn."

"Your name?" I gave her my name.

"Date of birth?"  I told her my date of birth.

"You picked teal?"

"Royal blue wasn't an option."

"What can I do for you?"

"I want to make an appointment for a physical with Dr. Hahn."

"Are you one of his premium concierge members?"

"I'm, uh...concierge?...I don't...um...I'm sorry, the whats-it what member?

"A premium concierge member."

"I...uh...he's my...um...I.  Sorry, again, what??"

"Last year, Dr. Hahn changed to a concierge model, where patients are charged a premium annual fee to remain as patients.  We sent out letters."

"I don't remember getting a letter."

"Lots of people told us that the letters looked like junk mail.  We also made phone calls."

"I don't remember getting a phone call."

"It came from an 800 number.  Lots of people told us they thought it was a solicitation."

"Um, ok.  So I need to pay some fee?"

"Oh no.  We aren't taking any new patients."

"I have been seeing Dr. Hahn for over 10 years.  Obviously, it's been sporadic, but I would not consider myself a new patient.  You are telling me that because I threw away the letter that looked like junk mail and didn't answer the call that looked like spam, I no longer have a doctor?

"Yes, exactly."

The ironic thing is that just a year ago (ish) I was thinking of finding a new doctor.  I have always been iffy about him, but habit and inertia (and a general aversion to avoidable change) kept me from finding another doctor.  Should I have received the letter or the call center call, I likely would have made the pro-active decision to tell him where to stick his finger.  And it certainly would not be in me.  But I didn't get to quit him!  I feel cheated of the opportunity, even though I was too lazy to actually do anything. 

You are quitting me?  I don't think so, doctor.  I am quitting you!

That's what I should have said to Dr. Hahn, or at least to the concierge receptionist who discarded me into the world without a primary care physician.  But what I actually said was something like:

"oh."

Of course, perhaps the junk mail or call from India would have illuminated me on the benefits of having a "concierge doctor."  Could he get me reservations at a new, trendy restaurant?  Or, more relevant for the Smith Family, can he get me higher on the list at Chuy's on a Friday night?  What about tickets to Hamilton?  I'd be for a concierge doctor who could do that.

I am also completely re-thinking my life's philosophy of messing with telemarketers, ripping up junk mail, and shooing away people from the front door.  What else might I have lost or had cancelled unbeknownst to me?  My life insurance?  My driver's license?  My subscription to Columbia House for cassette tapes?

So, set adrift without healthcare, I wallowed in my grief.  For about six minutes.  Then I found another doctor.  But it was a profoundly sad six minutes. 

As I reflect back on this tragic story, one thing rises up pretty clearly as a cause.  Obamacare. 

"If you like your doctor, you get to keep him."

Nobody ever quotes the line that follows that one:

"Unless your mediocre doctor adds a premium service fee as a condition of you continuing to have the pleasure of paying him to provide you with medical care, and calls it 'concierge' even though that connotes a high level of service when clearly his communication plan to let his patients know about the change is not quite 'concierge' but is much closer to hiring a meth-head to spin a fucking sign."